fetal light-clot

I suddenly realized I was three months pregnant and in unbearable pain. The pain was so severe I thought it would kill me and my unborn child.

I went to the hospital and the doctors and nurses laid me on the table. I was writhing and screaming with pain. As they prepared their instruments for an ultrasound, I left my body and could see the fetus inside of me.



At first it was unclear, as if I was seeing it unfocused and in black and white. I could see something blocking its throat, and I thought it was a blood clot. The pain I thought would kill me was actually the pain of my unborn child.




Soon, the image became clearer, and I could see it was actually an orb of light that was blocking its airways. It was absolutely terrifying, as if I was watching helplessly as a part of myself choked to death. Slowly, the light dislodged itself and began to make its was down the fetus's esophagus.

birds show themselves, cicadas emerge

Was trying to catch a plane to some other country (Germany?), but I found myself at this house full of people I knew in high school, but hadn't seen in a very long time. I kept feeling like I needed to catch up, and kept missing my departure time.

I stepped outside to leave and found myself standing at the base of a mountain. I looked into the sky and two very large crows flew into a pine tree. Followed by bleeding-heart doves, shoebills, sparrows, woodpeckers. I was so happy! Further in the hills, a bear stumbled by.


I walked away and found myself at the door to my dead grandmother's house. The cicadas had emerged, and the sound was overwhelming. They were everywhere, in every stage of breeding & dying. Pokey, my parents' dachshund, was there to pick up the dying ones and eat them. I could hear their muffled cries in his jaws.



I remembered a trick I learned on a nature program: if you snap your fingers, the male (loud) cicadas will think it's a female and come to you. I snapped, and there was a male in the air who dipped down toward me. However, there was a HUGE spiderweb (which was very long like a Japanses scroll) between us, and the cicada was caught.

I didn't see the spider who wove it, but I knew it had to be a truly magnificent one. I saw a very colorful moth the size of a crow in the web, too. The markings looked Aztec. Very vivid.

I saw more of these moths very high in the air. They drifted down slowly down towards me among the cicadas.

washing with blood, bleeding it out

I've had two dreams that involve blood recently.



The first took place in the same apartment building as a previously documented dream (see: "finding the missing piece"). I was helping friends move out. They were supposed to be gone and the landlord was not happy. He worked around us, throwing whatever he could grab on top of a pile of dead leaves in the middle of the livingroom.



While this was going on, I was helping the way I knew how-- by cleaning. I had a bucket of water and a brush with stiff bristles. I dipped the brush and started scrubbing a pale wooden dresser. The water was mixed with blood, and everything I cleaned was left stained.

The landlord lit the pile of leaves and furniture on fire, and I ran from the room to the back porch (this again is a setting from a previous -different- dream [see: "duck feathers"]). The porch was covered in the bodies of dead and dying dachshunds, as well as lots of maggots and dirt. I jumped into the lake just beyond the porch. This is all I remember.

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The dream from last night left me feeling a little more disturbed. I was wandering around the sight of yet ANOTHER dream I've blogged about (see: "goat love"). There were pathways criss-crossing across hillsides covered in bushes & trees. There were small animals skittering around, but I never got a good look at them.

I became aware of a pain on my lip and forehead. I then changed my perspective and viewed myself face-on. I had a very large and swollen pustule on my lip that ended in what looked like an anus. There was also a hole in my forehead (although I did not want to look at that one too closely). Both were leaking blood onto my shirt.

When I took off my shirt, I examined my breasts. My nipples were also bleeding. The blood stained the earth below me.




I then had an urgent need to find a train to get me out of this place.

wolfspeak, cottonmouths, and wild turkeys

Two nights ago, I dreamed I was in a rural area where a large beast lived. He had the face and tail of a wolf, but the bulk of a bear. I was warned to stay away from him because he was too powerful.

I ran into him and found that I could communicate using the nuanced body language of the wolf. This included showing my teeth, sticking my tongue out, arching my back, and moving my ears. In my mind, there was a voice translating his movements. First, he stuck his tongue out and barred his teeth saying, 'I trust you.'



Eventually, his language moved from his face to his body, when he flipped over on his back and said, "I love you" and "I will never forget you." I thought I was misinterpreting, but then I looked and saw he had an erection. We had sex, which felt like some kind of ancient ritual. I could feel his power being given to me.

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So, last night I dreamed I was in Mississippi with many of my cousins. We were tromping around the woods. I was trying to hide the fact I was smoking pot. But then I heard a voice say, 'you cannot shelter them forever.'

My uncle showed up in a wisp of pot smoke, as if he was trying to protect his daughters while being guilty of smoking himself. We walked through the woods and into the creek. The water was cool and clear, but much deeper and swifter than I remembered. I swam to an island in the middle, and two cottonmouth snakes were resting there.



One slithered off, but the other stayed. I wanted to protect my cousins (again), so I picked up the snake. It wasn't happy, but did not strike. I flung it into the water, and it swam away.

We swam to a large stone bridge and climbed to the top. I found myself nearly naked, standing in Harvard Square in Cambridge. I walked around looking for batteries for awhile, and then turned to make the walk back to my grandmother's house.

I walked through a wooden gate on the way back, and my great-uncle Ed's spirit appeared to me (which is odd because he is alive). He told me that he is connected to me and could hear me even in New York. He told me he is my guardian. He said that sometimes things are scary, but looking closely can reveal the truth. A wild turkey ran between us making a terrible noise, which scared the shit out of me but then made me laugh once I knew what it was. He smiled at me.




Then I was a rat in the subways of New York. I was running around making people laugh while on a mission to plant as many trees in the cracks of the concrete as possible. I was using human waste as a fertilizer.

duck feathers and the hawk's cry

Was on a wooden deck at a lakefront. There was a rundown Somerville-style house behind the deck, which I was in the process of moving into. I walked through the house and there was graffiti scrawled all over the walls and it was generally quite filthy. I was thinking about how much of a pain it will be to clean up the place.

Kurt Cobain was there, as well as other people I identified as dead. He handed me a half-dead mandarin duck and asked me to butcher it for dinner.



I took it to the kitchen, which was much like the downstairs bar area of my old house. I placed it on the counter, and his eyes were rolling around in their sockets in pain. I could not bring myself to decapitate him, even if it meant putting him out of his misery. I asked Kurt to do it, and he did with gusto.

I began to butcher the duck, but as I sliced into his body, blood began pouring out. When the blood hit the floor, it became a torrent of water. I took a broom and tried sweeping the flood into a drain that was underneath the fridge. The grate on the drain had a swastika on it.



The beautiful feathers of the duck littered the floor, and when I looked closely at them their striations turned into faces and eyes. I began to wake up, and heard a red-tailed hawk calling. I don't know if it was part of the dream or my old friend in Boston greeting me from the couch at 3 Mossland.

goat-love and bird dinosaurs

Was in a city in Norway in the summer. I was walking through the town with my father, mother, and Paul looking at all the consumerism. I walked through an outdoor craft fair, which was full of hand-made wonders. At the end of the booths, there was an open area that was lush & green. A young girl was there with a goat tethered to a leash. She was yanking on his neck & unknowingly causing him pain. She started trimming his hooves & cut them too close, drawing blood. I was afraid he would kick her in the face (because he was certainly thinking about it).



I walked further up a slope and there was a whole herd of goats that were mine! I was overjoyed. Andrew showed up & was commenting on how lovely my goats were. I was running around scratching them behind their horns and playing and having a blast!



Out of the brush two HUGE bird-dinosaurs slunk out. They were kind of like panthers in their mannerism and size, but their bodies were covered in black iridescent scales and feathers, and their feet were like crows'. Their backs were crested with long black feathers like a fin, but was parted like hair. They had very sharp teeth and moved surprisingly fast. At first I thought they would eat me, but then they went after my goats.

I don't remember what happened, but I found myself in the driveway of my grandmother's house. There was a goat boy there with me. He had the head & legs of a goat, but the rest of him was human. He was covered in the most beautiful rust-colored coat, which glowed. I will spare you the details, but my god he was one tender lovin' goatboy.

two nights of rats

For the past two nights I've been visited by rats. For those who don't know, I have had pet rats in the past and deeply respect their industriousness, affection, and intelligence.

In the first, I was at my grandmother's house in Florida and found four rats in a cage. One of them was brown and quite aggressive, but I felt a special love for her. Every time I put my hand in the cage, she would shirk and try to bite, while two others were indifferent and one was very loving.

In the second, I was at Hazel and Valerie's old house and again there were the exact same four caged rats with the same temperaments. I was trying to leave town and was very worried about these creatures being cared for. I was trying to get a friend of mine to feed, water, and change their bedding. She was an amalgamation of many people from my elementary school. She was enthusiastic, but did not seem capable. I was worried.



There was a college-aged boy in the room who was taking bonghits and being generally filthy and disrespectful. I ended up completely unloading on him, and I looked down and saw my rug under his feet, covered in earth.

Not terribly interesting, but I was surprised to find four rat friends showing up two nights in a row!